TIPS FROM A BOUNDARY QUEEN

I’ve always been the one to prioritize my needs (some may say I’m selfish or a bitch) but it just adds to my research, so thank you. The power a simple “no” has is incredible. While I understand how a rude tone of voice, a nasty word, or a manipulative statement can come across as selfish – voicing your boundaries and what you’re comfy with is not. It’s called showing up for yourself, taking care of your needs, and protecting your valuable energy.

Getting a text from someone that says , “Hey I don’t f*king like you at all let’s stop hanging” is a lot different than a text that sets healthy boundaries such as – “Hey, I am emotionally not ready to be serious with anyone. I hope you understand and wish you the best.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but that second reply doesn’t sound bitchy or inconsiderate to me. In fact, it sounds like the person is taking responsibility for their feelings and being up-front. What a concept!

I would rather have someone tell me they are not emotionally stable v.s. 12 months down the road, I’m imagining our kids together, and I get a good old “I can’t do this anymore” text and I’m blocked. It happens.

I am the most sensitive person in the world. Seriously, I am like a soft mushy sponge. But even I wouldn’t get mad at a thoughtful, open, and honest message from someone. There is a difference between being straight up rude vs communicating a need. Being a people pleaser is in our nature, but trust me, it can hurt you over time. Learning how to say no and standing your ground in your values, needs, and wants is life changing. Of course, saying yes is easier, more comfortable, and socially acceptable. Saying no is at times – difficult, can cause you to feel guilty, fearful, or uncomfortable. These are all normal feelings that occur when saying no, AKA setting boundaries.

It’s important to realize that setting boundaries are there to protect your well-being. Setting them can disappoint others, temporarily upset them, or cause them to make you feel like a toxic grudge holding human. Setting boundaries means you have the courage to put your needs first and love yourself. And if the person truly doesn’t understand where you are coming from, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.

Tip #1 Do You Even Have a Cat? 

Boundaries come in all different shapes and forms. A boundary can be asking for alone time, asking for personal space, or simply leaving a party early because you want to. A common mistake I see in boundaries is coming up with excuses. Saying “Oh I forgot I have a project due, and a book to read, and a cat to feed, and blah blah blah” is not setting a boundary – it’s called being dishonest. Do not make excuses for emotional, physical, or mental needs! Be honest and kind, simply decline the dinner offer and say you don’t feel well enough to go.

Tip #2 Shut Up

Don’t over explain! We tend to think that more is better and in some cases this is true. But when it comes to expressing a need, less is okay. If you truly want to give a lot of detail and explain the deep depths of your mental state to someone go ahead, but a simple “Hey I’m not mentally feeling okay I will reply to this later” is okay. Normalize not replying to someone until you are ready. Waiting until you are ready to be there for someone is so important because we can be our best support systems after we show up for ourselves. If you have a hard time showing up for yourself, I recommend starting the day with a mindful practice – such as yoga, meditation, reading, or journaling.

Tip #3 Self- Care is Not Glamorous

If I see one more face mask with a caption “self care” I might actually go insane. Do face masks help you grow or do they just feel good ? Or do they just look like you are taking care of yourself ? I’m sorry, (I love a good face mask don’t come at me) but self-care is not just bubble baths, face masks, and pedicures. While these are all great to do, and treating yourself is a must, self-care is not always nice. Self-care can look like – making difficult decisions, taking responsibility for your actions, spending time in your discomfort and pain, and confronting what you’re avoiding. So next time you need a night off for “self-care” don’t be afraid to call it an emotional break or mental overload.

Tip #4 Boundaries are Not Just for Boos 

You can also set boundaries with friends or anyone else in your life! Hearing a boundary from a friend, colleague, or family member can be just as difficult and uncomfortable. But it is necessary and okay to do. A boss may email you, “No I cannot meet Monday. What about Tuesday?” This does not mean they are not interested in you for the job, it just means they are human and have a life. Don’t get discouraged!

Boundaries set with friends can sound like “I am struggling with my own mental health right now, I can’t fully be there for you at the moment but I care for you” or “I only have 10 minutes to grab a coffee” or “I can’t talk right now, I’m headed to work.” These are all honest, open, and healthy statements to say. Your friends should understand you have needs too and allow you to communicate them.

I know this is all a lot, and this can sound intimidating and difficult to achieve. But I promise once you start becoming aware of boundaries and even just including this type of language in your life, you will see a difference. Setting boundaries allows us to show up for ourselves and become more compassionate, understanding, and patient partners.

If someone invalidates your boundary, I recommend removing them from your close circle. If they are new to boundary talk, talk to them and try to educate them on healthy boundary conversations. We all have needs, wants, limits, and values. It is okay to express them.

If you are unfamiliar with what is a boundary for you, I recommend writing in a journal or even your phone notes. Write down what bothers you, what you value, what you emotionally need, etc. Boundaries do not mean you don’t care for the other person – they mean you love them and yourself at the same time.

xx

MANIFESTING A BOO

Manifestation, aka the law of attraction, sounds silly and like a stupid scientific theory, but it actually works. If you focus on something you want, create positive energy around it, and truly believe in it, it will come to you. I know this all sounds very unrealistic, and sort of like a hoax. But according to the experts, manifesting your love life can get you that hot dreamy partner your lusting over.

The concept sounds simple; create a hot 6’2 boy in your head, think about that person 24/7, and know that you want him. Ha, the difference is, manifestation can only occur when you take a step back and truly reflect. You can’t just wish for a sexy boy who has a relationship with their mother, a house in the Hamptons, and knows how to handle his emotions. You have to truly believe that’s what you’re worthy of. And the only way to know what you deserve is to do a lot (and I mean a lotttttt) of reflecting, bubble baths, writing, and getting drunk alone. Two glasses of wine and you’ll be less hard on yourself. Here are my steps on how to manifest your love life. Begin at step one!

1^st Step: Know Yourself

As I mentioned prior, take time to really get to know yourself. We often think that running to the grocery store, lying in bed watching Gossip Girl, or making a microwaveable dinner is considered “alone time.” True alone time is not this. It’s a cliché, but when you love yourself and know your needs, wants, and desires, you can easily manifest. I recommend spending 15-30 minutes each day alone getting to know your deepest, and sometimes scariest, self. Write in a journal, meditate, stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself questions about how you feel. You can ask yourself some hard questions like; What do you struggle with? Physically and emotionally? How do you want to be treated? What behaviors in a partner will you not tolerate? You have to become comfortable with being alone in your mind and body, before truly manifesting a healthy and positive relationship.

2^nd Step: Be The Person You Want

I’ve had so many people tell me they want a wholesome, kind, loving, responsible partner; yet, they go out every night, don’t know their bodies, never have alone time, and have a hard time accepting themselves. How do you expect to receive a partner that is loving and positive when you aren’t any of that ?! Seriously, if you are looking for a night-in cooking, ambitious, hardworking partner but you are staying out till 2 am and not progressing yourself, why would someone who is ambitious come to you? I know, it’s harsh. But someone’s got to say it.

Become the person you want to attract. Of course your partner will have differences, but when it comes to values, needs, and wants, try to be on the same playing field.

3^rd Step: Be Around the People You Want to Attract

Another thing I always hear, “Why can’t I find a boyfriend who has his sh*t together and makes time for me?” Well, sis, you’re trying to find a sustainable partner at the club or the super annoyingly trendy bar on a Friday night… it’s probs not the best setting for your search. If you want a partner who is fun, flirty, adventurous, and always around people go ahead! Flirt away! But, if you want to low-key settle down and nourish a relationship, the people at these kinds of places are most likely in their 20’s and just want to have a good time.

Of course, then comes the question “Well then where do I meet someone?!” I recommend normalizing coffee shops, parks, a local restaurant, similar interest events, or mutual friends. If you see a cutie at the coffee shop, make a move. There are only so many men who read an actual book at a coffee shop on a Saturday morning left in this world, for crying out loud.

4^th Step: Be Around the Friends you Want Your Partner to be Like

After you have exhausted your journal, and you are now feeling a little self-conscious, take it even further by re-evaluating your friends! Ask yourself what qualities they have and how that reflects on who you are. The people we surround ourselves with are a direct reflection of what we value. If we are surrounded by people who are creative, open, loving, and kind, the likelihood of you absorbing those qualities are higher. Just like when we are around negative people we feel it, we feel positive people too. Obviously don’t ditch your friend who might be going through something and is not so optimistic – but do think about what energies you are constantly around.

It’s all about the energies. If you don’t believe in energy but you are the person to always ask “What’s your sign?!” I think you should give the idea of energy a try.

5^th Step: Know Your Boundaries

I briefly mentioned this in the 1^st step, but it deserves its own step completely. Becoming aware of what you do not want is just as important as becoming aware of what you do. This takes a lot of hard reflection as well, and I recommend dedicating a section in your journal for this. If you are consistently giving your time and energy to an unavailable, untrustworthy, or unforgiving, partner you are tolerating a negative energy. You are not showing up for yourself and setting a boundary for how you want to be treated. This is where many people lose their manifestation.

Setting a boundary, aka knowing exactly what you tolerate, is crucial. It makes it easier for us to walk away from a negative partner when we are confident in our boundaries. The clearer you are on what pisses you off, what you can sort of manage, and what simply crosses a line, the faster you can manifest. When we know what we do not want, we do not waste energy on anything that does meet those needs.

Last but not least, be easy on yourself and have patience. I know this was somewhat pessimistic, and we do need bad relationships so we can appreciate the good. But when it comes to manifesting, I have seen too many people I care about, myself included, stay in a negative energy. And it only results in reoccurring negative relationships.

Manifesting is simply tuning in, truly reflecting, and becoming more aware of who you are and what you deserve. For someone who has been treated poorly in the past, I know how hard this simple message can be. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and pain from the past, but try to open up again and trust yourself in the process.

Xx

MEN, EMOTIONS, AND THERAPY

I’ve had my fair share of people avoiding therapy when they need it. And I don’t just mean just men, I mean anyone avoiding it. Mental health is incredibly stigmatized for everyone. You are either crazy, weird, lame, insane, etc if you are mentally unstable.

Men’s mental health stats in particular are alarming. Men commit suicide 3 times the rate of women, they account for almost 70% of suicides, and it’s the biggest killer for men under 45. Suicide is obviously a problem for men, but why? Why do men turn to drugs and abuse alcohol more than females? A factor that can result in more overdoses/suicides.

We tend to ignore the very real issues that men face in our country. We tell them to be strong, focus on making $$, and to be stoic. But this message leaves no room for men to make mistakes, seek help, and feel their negative emotions in a comforting space. Tens of thousands of men are dying a year, and although suicide is majorly complex, we can’t ignore a major factor: society’s mental health stigma.

Men are overwhelmingly and disproportionately represented in suicide stats. Although everyone suffers from mental health “bashing” men, or anyone in that matter, does not help. When we raise our boys to “toughen up” and that value can be found in not such fulfilling things, (such as cars, $$, their looks, women, sex, drugs) they grow up to struggle with their mental health. As a result, mental health conditions are under-reported and under-detected in men, leaving them vulnerable to suicide.

We need to desperately reframe help-seeking. Men may avoid asking for help because they fear it makes them weak or a failure. Finding ways to change this horrible perspective is crucial in reducing male suicide rates. We need to raise men differently, and continue to offer a supportive, tender, and heartwarming environment.

Boys need to be taught how to care and love not only themselves, but other men as well. Men need phrases like “Hug it Out” not “Toughen up.” Intimate emotions are often only for a romantic relationship, this also needs to change. Men should be told that having a close relationship with other man is not gay, weird, or pussy. It means you are strong enough to build a connection with another human and it’s how we feel fulfilled. We feel fulfillment in our connections.

Through these strong connections, we build our support systems. Many men feel as though they have no one to turn to when emotionally down, or don’t know where to turn. This is a problem because it means they are not building a solid support foundation. It also means we aren’t giving them the right tools and guidance when it comes to seeking support.

I recommend holding stronger convos around emotions and being someone who can listen with an open heart. Men need to become more comfortable with talking to their friends and family about how they feel. And while the individual needs to do work on this, we also have a responsibility as outsiders to help this growth. We need to facilitate accessible resources for men and frame this convo differently.

There is nothing wrong with seeking/asking for help when it comes to your mental wellness. Mental wellness is directly related to overall health, and sexual well being. If you know of anyone struggling with their mental health, be a voice for them. Don’t add to the stigma and isolation that many people with mental health issues face.

Encourage therapy, (therapy is not just for those with a sickness, it is used by many people struggling with their emotions, a relationship, their image, etc) and share therapy positive information. If we normalize therapy and seeking for help, I hope that we as a society can become happier and healthier.

While normalizing therapy is a major component and the stigma around therapy is part of why men ignore their feelings, we need to take it a step further. Look at how our society treats those who are emotionally struggling, what were they taught when they were younger?

Because teaching boys to not be affectionate, intimate, emotional, or any other qualities that can show “weakness” is not the way to creating stronger men. It just leaves us with unhappy, unfulfilled, and emotionally suppressed men who make like 90K a year. Congrats.

PORN V.S. REALITY

This then leads me to my next tangent which is how porn impacts our perception on sex.

Porn alters how women AND men view sex. Men who watch porn develop unrealistic expectations when it comes to how a female operates sexually. Most of the time the man just penetrates the female after about five minutes of kissing, or they don’t even show the romance and build up, it just goes straight to vaginal sex. This is unrealistic because it takes time for a female to become lubricated enough for penetration. You can’t just kiss on someone and then expect them to be ready for vaginal sex. In reality it takes trust and time before sex can happen. They also make the females look insanely turned on and make moaning/ screaming noises that are “sexy” and loud. Not every female is vocal and that is normal.

It also impacts how men think women want to be spoken to during a sexual act. Porn will depict a female gagging on a males dick while he moans “you like that cock” or “you dirty slut.” These statements can be fine if consent and communication is exchanged between the partners but porn does not show that part. These behaviors can be extremely degrading and not acceptable if there is no prior conversation about what the female likes. Porn has a way of making everything seem very sudden and it takes away the aspect of respect for each other. There is no intimacy or playfulness prior to sex. It is very unlikely that you would be saying these types of things to someone you do not have trust with. The actors on screen seem to have little respect for each other – leading males to think that it’s okay to speak/treat women the same way.

It also makes it seem like any sexual act is an easy and smooth process. Being comfortable with someone and performing some of the acts that porn shows can take time and communication. It’s never that simple. This easy process can make females and men feel vulnerable or uncomfortable in real life. By watching certain porn videos the viewer can create all these unrealistic ideas of how things will happen. Women and men can feel shameful or “not sexy enough” if something becomes awkward in the bedroom. They never show awkward situations in porn and that is NOT real. The condom might not fit perfectly, you might need to switch positions until it feels right, or maybe the man cums within in a couple minutes. Then all hell breaks loose! I honestly do not know why cumming fast for a man is frowned upon and why it creates an awkward sexmosphere. Both sexes should finish during sex and be pleased. Porn also can create these crazy ideas on how a female cums. I am going to write another post on squirting and just the female ejaculation in general but come on, these videos are ridiculous.

Porn can lead us to become disappointed with the sex we have/the person we have it with because it creates an exciting situation when in reality sex can be really weird. Women are shown with perfect figures, huge boobs, shaved vaginas, etc. Men are shown with perfect abs, big dicks, and amazing performances. If you think this is what people actually look like/perform like, of course you will be disappointed.

If you do have an experience that is not what you thought or your sexual expectations let you down, just be honest & open with your partner. Try to talk about it and know that not everything is a smooth process.

Sex is complicated and can be even more awkward when you put pressure and expectations on it. Everyone performs differently and porn videos do not show real connections, messy situations, or awkward moments between two people when having sex. Porn is not all bad though and it is completely normal to watch. For both sexes!

ORGASM EQUALITY

When it comes to the female orgasm the conversation is blurred. For some reason our society has made it all about the male orgasm and once the man orgasms you are then “done” and you are supposed to just lay there satisfied because your man is. I rarely have a man say “did you cum?” after sex because they usually just assume I did too. I find this ridiculous and sort of laughable. Pleasing your partner feels great but you deserve the same feeling. Sex should be an equal activity.

An orgasm is very different for men and women. This post is going to focus on the female side. There is a huge lack of research and knowledge around how the female orgasms. As a female, it is completely okay to not orgasm. This does not mean you can’t orgasm – it just means that you haven’t, or do not from sex. If you look up stories on how many women do not orgasm you will not feel alone. Stress, anxiety, fatigue, and other emotional responses can make it difficult to reach an orgasm.

A vaginal orgasm, or climax, is defined as an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of sexual response. Two alterations in the genital organs vasocongestion (when the blood swells up) and myotonia (muscle tension) are the cause of orgasm. The response to these stimuli are focused in the vaginal area but there is also a total body response. Being “wet” does not mean you have orgasmed. An orgasm is the peak of sexual climax where as being wet is just our vaginas naturally releasing fluids during arousal.

You do not always scream and moan when you are orgasming. Some are more silent about the climax and some aren’t. Either way is normal. I blame movies and porn for the unrealistic portrayal of female orgasms. They show women climaxing from penetration alone and sometimes it’s not that easy. MANY women do not orgasm from penetration alone. If you do orgasm from penetration alone, lucky you.

The length of an orgasm varies and can last anywhere between 7 and 107 seconds. On average women take 20 minutes to reach orgasm.

Vaginal orgasms are the most difficult to achieve but it is the most common way people think of pleasure. Only about 5% to 15% of people with vaginas orgasm just from vaginal intercourse. When it comes to vaginal orgasms circular motions (rather than an in-and-out movement) and repeating motions that feel good can increase possibility of orgasm.

Vaginal intercourse is NOT the only way to orgasm. There are many other ways to orgasm such as clitoral and vulva stimulation, using fingers, oral sex, or adding a toy. Two thirds of women prefer direct clitoral stimulation, and the most popular motions are up and down, circular shape, and side to side. Around 1 in 10 women prefer firm pressure, while most prefer light to medium touch on their vulva. When using a finger mimicking the “come hither” motion is often effective. This is when the index and middle finger are inserted into the vagina, palm up. As the fingers are are moving in and out, they must curl them up as if they were motioning someone to “come here,” rubbing the G spot. When combined with oral techniques this can cause an orgasm.

Oral sex should be reciprocal but it often is not. This is bullshit.

There is debate that every women needs clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm because there is no clear/ right way to orgasm. Every woman is different in what they prefer and this is why being open about what you want is critical.

So why are women not getting the orgasms they deserve each time? Studies show that women have been taught not to speak about what they want in bed and will be perceived as pushy. Another reason is simply not enough education and communication around the subject!!

I recommend getting to know your own body so you can figure out what you need and then you can show/tell/ guide your partner into what feels good. There is no shame in guiding your partner or telling them what feels good. Honest communication with your partner and being comfortable with your sexual preferences will help you achieve an orgasm. If you are having sex your pleasure should be just as important as your partners. I don’t know why sex has became so focused on the male ejaculation but ladies it’s time to speak up and get some orgasm equality!!

HOW FEMALE MASTURBATION CAN BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

Over the years masturbation has become less shameful but I still think there is a large stigma around women masturbating. Men masturbate all the time and everyone knows it. Masturbating is completely normal for all genders and is actually good for your health. When you orgasm your body releases the endorphins dopamine and oxytocin. Some people masturbate frequently, daily, or never. There is no such thing as masturbating “too much.”

Some people grow up to feel guilty or shameful about masturbating. It is nothing to be ashamed of and everyone does it. Even if they don’t admit it. Some people find out at an early age that touching themselves can feel good. Most kids explore their genitals at a young age because we are human and it’s natural to want to feel pleasure. If you still have’t explored your genitals that’s okay too. Just remember that everyone does it and it can actually reduce stress.

Some myths about masturbation include – girls who masturbate are more sexually active, it can cause mental illness, only people who don’t have partners masturbate, and it can affect your period and ability to have children. These are all false. Wanting to explore your sexuality is natural and does NOT cause any health problems.

There are plenty of reasons as to why you might masturbate. It helps you relax, releases sexual tension, helps you sleep, relieves menstrual cramps and tension, and lets you understand your body. When you allow yourself to freely explore your own body you can then understand what you like and don’t like. Learning how to have orgasms on your own can make it easier to have one with a partner. You can guide them as to what works for you. When you are comfortable with your body you are more likely to be comfortable with your partner about sex, protecting yourself against STDS, and talking about other sexual needs.

Some people also may masturbate because they are not sexually active and want to orgasm. Even if you do have a partner it’s still completely normal to masturbate when they aren’t around. Masturbating when you have a partner does not mean they aren’t satisfying you. The main reason why people masturbate is because it feels good!

There is no “normal” way to masturbate. Toys or touching yourself is completely normal. Masturbation is touching or rubbing your genitals. If fingering does not feel good to you or help you achieve an orgasm, you can also rub your clitoris (located at the top of the vulva, in between the labia). The clitoris is small and the most sensitive part of the vagina. The head of the clitoris has about 10,000 nerve endings – a guaranteed pleasure spot. Most women do not orgasm by penetration alone. They need clitoral stimulation as well. The size and shape of the clitoris ranges among women and everyone is different in what they have & prefer.

Masturbation only becomes a “problem” when it affects your daily responsibilities or you are doing it for the wrong reasons. If it is associated with depression, extreme guilt, anxiety, withdrawal, or other emotional problems you might want to see a counselor.

In my next post I will discuss the affects that porn has on masturbation and sex expectations. Until then, happy masturbating!

ARE YOU SCARED OF INTIMACY?

Without emotional intimacy a relationship is bound to fail. To me, intimacy is when you are vulnerable with your emotions and share your mind honestly & openly. I think everyone is a little scared to be intimate with someone because you can feel out of control. Getting close to someone can mean rejection, pain, and tons of other strong emotions.

Being intimate with someone takes time.

I think people are becoming less intimate with each other and that upsets me. It’s so easy to hide emotions and the pressure of society doesn’t help. Intimacy isn’t about asking how someone is, sleeping in the same bed, or texting all day. None of this really means you know & feel for someone. It’s about being honest with your struggles and how your mind works. It’s about sharing your mind and emotions with someone without fear.

Sometimes when someone is trying to get close to you, it’s easier to push them away than deal with the strong emotions you feel.

I have issues with intimacy as well. It may be from my past of being hurt and let down by people I trust and love. For a long time I didn’t realize I had a fear of intimacy and I didn’t know how to change it.

These are some common signs for someone who is scared of intimacy:

1. Sabotaging your relationships. Whether that is by being unfaithful or creating a problem when you are happy, it’s still pushing away intimacy. By sabotaging that strong connection you have then escaped the chance of getting hurt. By being unfaithful to your partner you create an emotional distance which can make the feelings seem less close to your heart.
2. Fear of rejection. This is deeper than just a fear of someone saying no to you. This fear comes from a deep place inside where you feel “unworthy” of someones love so you choose to be alone. By avoiding the relationship all together, there is no chance of rejection, because you never even tried.
3. Wrong partners. Do you always pick the same partner who you see no future with? Picking partners who you see no future with or who don’t expect anything from you lets you avoid intimacy. This is the worst way to avoid it because you can feel empty and abandoned.
4. Pushing people away. It’s normal to make them work for it in the beginning but completely ghosting someone is an indicator that you are scared to get emotionally close. If you have been ghosted, just know it’s their own insecurities and it probably has nothing to do with you! Unless you did something insane, then I’m not sure.
5. Scared of physical intimacy. When you are emotionally scared it can make sex difficult. You can either have lots of partners to try to avoid the possibility of actually getting to know someone, or scared to truly make love. There is a big difference. You might try to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed during sex. This can cause you to not let your partner into your mind, thus destroying intimacy.

What to do if you experience any of these behaviors:

1. Be honest with yourself and admit it. We all say we want love and to be real with each other, but not a lot of us actually do it. Look at your past patterns and be really honest with what has happened to you and why you might act this way.
2. Feel your feelings. Falling in love can remind us of our past pain, but don’t kill it. When you avoid the pain you minimize the joy felt. Allow yourself to feel deeply for others and be open to the strong emotions.
3. Accept vulnerability. The dating world promotes a culture of game-playing. “Don’t let her see how much you like her, who cares least, etc.” Don’t fall into it. Being vulnerable shows strength. It shows that you overcame the fears in your mind and stayed yourself. It’s okay to be vulnerable and open. In fact, it’s cooler when you can express how much you like someone.
4. Love yourself. This is cliché but honestly the most important. When you learn to love yourself at a deeper level you can become intimate with yourself, then with others. Most people fear intimacy because they are scared to be abandoned. But when you love yourself you will never truly be abandoned. You will have yourself.

There are many other ways to overcome this but these are what have helped me. It’s also very normal to experience some of these signs. Most people have intimacy issues. I just hope we can all be aware if we do, and try to work on it. I hope people can become more open with each other because it will lead them to a happier relationship with themselves, and others.

LOSING YOUR V-CARD

To start, this is no black and white topic. This is just my opinion and experience. Although I slightly cringe when thinking about my first time, I believe it’s important to be honest with myself in order for people to feel comfortable. Somebody’s gotta do it. I’m not about to blab about losing my virginity because that would honestly be quite boring for you, but I will speak from my own experience.

Losing your virginity probably doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore because most of us are adults now and think we know all about sex. I don’t even know all about it, and I research it all the time, so I know people are putting up a front. There is a huge pressure on our society to be sexy and have sex. This is all nonsense and should not affect your decision on when to lose your virginity.

Not everyone our age is having sex & that’s okay. There are still plenty of virgins out there doing their thing.

I’ve been asked if it hurts, when to do it, how to do it, etc. These questions are all relative. It really depends on who you lose it to, and that doesn’t have to be someone you are in love with. I’ve seen both sides of this. Women who want to be in love when they lose it or women who are 21 and just want to get it over with. No judgment to either side because there are pros and cons to both.

It’s not an unbearable pain but you may be sore afterwards and it is uncomfortable. It’s an unfamiliar pressure so it’s important to be aroused during it. Being comfortable with your partner, lube, and using foreplay can help. It’s normal to be nervous so you may not produce enough natural fluids. If you are having a difficult time becoming aroused, you can use a natural lube. Sex takes a lot of patience and communication. Some people experience pleasure during their first time and some don’t. It’s completely normal to be on either side of the spectrum. There also may be blood the first time but not for everybody. Some people naturally have more hymenal tissue than others which causes more pain and bleeding when their hymen gets stretched.

For me, I believe that losing it to someone you are familiar with can help it not be as painful. I believe this because when you are comfortable with someone your vagina actually relaxes and you can produce more secretion. With that being said, it’s completely okay to lose it to someone who are not in a relationship or in love with. I think there is pressure to be “in love” or a relationship in order to have sex. As long as you both respect each other and are safe, you can feel comfortable.

I recommended exploring your vagina prior to engaging in sex because it can help you feel comfortable with someone else exploring it. It’s important to understand your anatomy and what you like. Always use protection when having sex, and do not feel uncomfortable asking for a condom. If the man says no, you probably shouldn’t be losing your virginity to him. If you are on birth control it’s still important to use a condom because birth control only prevents pregnancies.

Second, there is no right or wrong time to lose it. There is really no right or wrong to any of this. Who and when you lose it is completely your choice. Just make sure you are safe about it and your partner respects you. Some prefer to wait and others like to rip it off like a Band-Aid. It does not reflect who you are as a person, and anyone should respect your decision. Whenever you feel ready, go for it.

When it comes to how to have sex this is completely between you are your partner and there is no wrong or right way. This is why being familiar with your partner could help because you can sort of understand how their body works with yours. Some bodies just don’t work together and it’s awkward. That’s normal. There are also bodies that work really well together and it can be beautiful. Everyone is different in what they prefer so “how to” might change according to who your partner is. Just be open and honest with your partner about what you aren’t liking, and what you do like. Be open to changing directions and listening to your partners needs as well. If you feel uncomfortable speaking about it during sex, you can express yourself afterwards.

Finally, I know it can be hard to “find the one” but you will know when it’s right and when it’s wrong. Trust yourself. Don’t expect it to be amazing the first time. There is a lot of hype around sex and it’s normal to not feel super sexy the first couple times. Just continue to be honest with your partner and open with yourself. Once you become comfortable with it and respect your body, the experience can be truly beautiful.

HOW TO FIND A GYNECOLOGIST THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SECURE & SEXY

As I mentioned in my previous post, I wanted to talk about how to pick a gynecologist and what the process includes. In this specific post I will just discuss how to pick one and the next post I will include the process. To start, everyone who is sexually active should have a gynecologist. I understand that a primary doctor can examine you and act as a gynecologist but from my own experience it just isn’t the same. The main reason why I think you need a separate doctor for your vagina is simply because you are a woman and deserve one!! A women’s anatomy is a complex and beautiful thing to learn about and take care of, an ordinary doctor will just not do. The vagina is what makes a woman feel sexy and confident. No one feels good about themselves if they are itchy, experiencing pain, or whatever else happens down there. A doctor is great for your body but please please treat yourself to at least one visit because it is comforting and they know best. Walking out of the gynecologist knowing your in great health down there feels amazing!

So why would you go to a gynecologist if you are having protected sex or no sex at all? Yes, using a condom can protect you from STDs but if you are sexually active you can still get an infection like a yeast infection, bacterial infection, or a UTI. Infections and STDS are NOT the same. Infections do not always have to do with sex so someone who is not sexually active can still go see a gynecologist. Any lady can get a UTI from either wiping weird, wearing sweaty clothing for too long, having an imbalance in your PH levels, etc. A yeast infection can also happen to women who have never been sexually active because the vagina is a sensitive thing and can have an overgrowth of yeast due to diet or stress which can lead to the infection. Although these are more common in women who are sexually active. These are just some infections that non sexually active woman can have. If you are having protected sex, these infections can happen as well.

I understand seeing a gynecologist without having sex or having protected sex can seem silly or not needed but just know that if you ever do experience something off, they are there to help you and talk to you. Of course the main reason you would go to a gynecologist is if you are sexually active because infections and STDS are more likely to occur and it’s just necessary to check up on it.

Now that we have established that gynos are open to any lady, let’s discuss the search for one. I know opening your legs for a random person is extremely weird and honestly very invasive. This thought can be scary and off-putting but trust me it’s not that bad. The first time I went I was nervous and it helps to have someone to talk you through it so maybe bring a close friend or someone you are comfortable sharing this experience with. You can also always reach out to me with questions!

It is so important to do research before picking a gyno. You don’t want to just step foot in any gyno office because they are looking at a very special part of your body. I was lucky and found mine through my step mom, but any google research will work as well. If you have a recommendation that is also great. Luckily there are apps that allow you to put in what you are searching for and it gives you a doctor within a certain distance, what they specialize in, if they take your insurance, and their availability. You can even include the reason for visiting, such as itching or irregular bleeding. I’ve used the app ZoDoc, and I love it. Since moving to the city I have not yet found my perfect gyno. My main girl is back home in Colorado, but I have seen some in the city.

This is a huge trial and error process so do not get discouraged if the first one you see isn’t the best fit. Last year, I had a UTI and had to find a gyno in short notice. Like I said, I don’t have a set lady I see in the city so I found one near my apartment and went. This was the worst experience. I saw a man, and I’m not saying that was the reason, but in my opinion I think seeing a woman is best. He was very harsh and did not warn me before sticking a Q-tip up me. I felt very invaded and it was honestly painful which it NEVER should be. Yes, it is slightly uncomfortable but it should not cause a sharp and unpredictable pain. The process should be fairly easy and I just don’t think a man understands the pain and issues a vagina can cause a woman because they don’t have one!! They can try to understand all they want and study it for years but they just don’t get it.

Man or woman your gynecologist should be gentle and kind because it helps you as a patient feel at ease. An angry doctor looking at your vagina just causes bad energy down there. They should also walk you through whatever process they do so you don’t get an unexpected Q- tip in you. Of course you should meet your gynecologist first for a meeting before getting examined to see if you like their energy. No matter who you choose just know that they are here to help you and that you deserve a caring and informative doctor. After you go a couple times the process will be easy and it won’t be weird at all. Just another trip to the vagina doctor!

Next post will include what actually goes down at the gyno, aka the process!

MY STORY

During my junior year of high school my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. My mom and I always spoke freely of sex, our bodies, etc. When I was younger I was always curious about sex and what it felt like to be in love. I was very open with my mom about these topics and I became even more interested during my junior year. I started to learn that the main cause of cervical cancer is from a sexually transmitted virus called HPV. After my mom passed away from the cervical cancer, I discovered that many people do not know how sex can affect your health, and your loved ones. Sex is much more than just a physical interaction, you may fall in love or you may contract an STD that can change your life.

As I became more involved in this research, I realized that many women and men do not even know basic sexual education topics. Most people do not know the difference between STDs and STIs or when to see a gynecologist. I blame the US school systems because obviously not everyone is getting the sex education they deserve. I became wildly passionate about educating myself, and others on how to care for your body and that lead me to the creation of this blog.

The goal of this blog is to help people feel comfortable with these topics and create an educated space where this conversation is heard, not shoved under the rug. No one likes discussing embarrassing moments that happened under the sheets or the fact that they might be overwhelmed by the sexual pressure in our society. Although these are difficult subjects to discuss, the more we come together and open up the easier it will be.

In the first couple posts I will be discussing topics that most young adults don’t know about or are uncomfortable to speak about. I will also touch on how knowing more about your sexuality and desires can lead you to feeling confident and powerful. Some topics I will discuss are STDS, masturbating, when to see a gyno, virginity, etc.

These articles will be coming from my own experience and tons of research. Social media has completely changed the way we express ourselves, and it affects our sex lives. The pressure on society to be sexy and be wanted is at an all-time high. You can still be sexy and wanted without participating in any sexual activities.

I was so lucky to have a mom who never judged me or made me feel weird about this conversation and I want people to feel the same. So here is to HUSH, a blog that empowers women and men by educating them on sex, love, and their own bodies.