When it comes to the female orgasm the conversation is blurred. For some reason our society has made it all about the male orgasm and once the man orgasms you are then “done” and you are supposed to just lay there satisfied because your man is. I rarely have a man say “did you cum?” after sex because they usually just assume I did too. I find this ridiculous and sort of laughable. Pleasing your partner feels great but you deserve the same feeling. Sex should be an equal activity.

An orgasm is very different for men and women. This post is going to focus on the female side. There is a huge lack of research and knowledge around how the female orgasms. As a female, it is completely okay to not orgasm. This does not mean you can’t orgasm – it just means that you haven’t, or do not from sex. If you look up stories on how many women do not orgasm you will not feel alone. Stress, anxiety, fatigue, and other emotional responses can make it difficult to reach an orgasm.

A vaginal orgasm, or climax, is defined as an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of sexual response. Two alterations in the genital organs vasocongestion (when the blood swells up) and myotonia (muscle tension) are the cause of orgasm. The response to these stimuli are focused in the vaginal area but there is also a total body response. Being “wet” does not mean you have orgasmed. An orgasm is the peak of sexual climax where as being wet is just our vaginas naturally releasing fluids during arousal.

You do not always scream and moan when you are orgasming. Some are more silent about the climax and some aren’t. Either way is normal. I blame movies and porn for the unrealistic portrayal of female orgasms. They show women climaxing from penetration alone and sometimes it’s not that easy. MANY women do not orgasm from penetration alone. If you do orgasm from penetration alone, lucky you.

The length of an orgasm varies and can last anywhere between 7 and 107 seconds. On average women take 20 minutes to reach orgasm.

Vaginal orgasms are the most difficult to achieve but it is the most common way people think of pleasure. Only about 5% to 15% of people with vaginas orgasm just from vaginal intercourse. When it comes to vaginal orgasms circular motions (rather than an in-and-out movement) and repeating motions that feel good can increase possibility of orgasm.

Vaginal intercourse is NOT the only way to orgasm. There are many other ways to orgasm such as clitoral and vulva stimulation, using fingers, oral sex, or adding a toy. Two thirds of women prefer direct clitoral stimulation, and the most popular motions are up and down, circular shape, and side to side. Around 1 in 10 women prefer firm pressure, while most prefer light to medium touch on their vulva. When using a finger mimicking the “come hither” motion is often effective. This is when the index and middle finger are inserted into the vagina, palm up. As the fingers are are moving in and out, they must curl them up as if they were motioning someone to “come here,” rubbing the G spot. When combined with oral techniques this can cause an orgasm.

Oral sex should be reciprocal but it often is not. This is bullshit.

There is debate that every women needs clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm because there is no clear/ right way to orgasm. Every woman is different in what they prefer and this is why being open about what you want is critical.

So why are women not getting the orgasms they deserve each time? Studies show that women have been taught not to speak about what they want in bed and will be perceived as pushy. Another reason is simply not enough education and communication around the subject!!

I recommend getting to know your own body so you can figure out what you need and then you can show/tell/ guide your partner into what feels good. There is no shame in guiding your partner or telling them what feels good. Honest communication with your partner and being comfortable with your sexual preferences will help you achieve an orgasm. If you are having sex your pleasure should be just as important as your partners. I don’t know why sex has became so focused on the male ejaculation but ladies it’s time to speak up and get some orgasm equality!!

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