How Alcohol Fuels Our Loneliness & Fear of Healing

People will do anything when they feel alone. The need to bond is especially heightened when we are drinking, and that causes a problem because the amount of lonely people in the world + the dependence we have on alcohol = a very lonely, sad, and reoccurring fix to a much deeper problem. Everyone struggles with feelings of loneliness, yet we are conditioned to soothe these feelings with temporary reliefs or crutches. Such as – socialization, work, exercise, drinking, partying, companionship, sex, drugs, shopping, money, etc etc. A classic line sounds like, “I need a drink, it’s been a long day.” If you had a stressful and emotional day the LAST thing you should do is go running towards an alcoholic beverage because like mostly all of us, the one drink will turn into 3 then 4 then the next thing you know it’s a night out, filled with demonic energy, and you have successfully distracted yourself from the root of your problem – the inability to sit in the feeling of stress, emotion, and discomfort from the day. Instead of having a drink to “unwind” why don’t we take a walk, ride a bike, or drink a cup of tea together? Come together in harmony and peace over our battles? 

What you are really trying to say at the end of a stressful day is, “I have had an emotional day. Can someone please take care of me? Can someone/something please support me?” Because that connection, the ability that we have as humans to nurture and love each other is what will soothe an emotional day, not a quick sip of poison. But the liquid is there for you. It’s right there, so easy to swallow, so seductive and sexy, so quick to turn to and easily justified by our peers. If we told each other how we felt, how unbelievably lonely, sad, or upset we may be feeling from our days or years of ignoring our peace, who would listen? Is poison our best listener? Or is it just the only listener that we feel comfortable enough to turn to? Telling a human how we feel consumed with loneliness that we may cave in and decay is much scarier than quietly sipping that drink and sulking deep into the chair you decide to sit upon. 

Alcohol and sex are even more dangerous yet soothing to the lonely soul. I have reached out to a former partner, or a complete stranger, just to soothe my temporary drunken need to bond. To not be alone. The desire to be held, kissed, loved, fucked, etc is through the roof when we are intoxicated, and we will reach out to anyone to fill that need if we cannot fill it ourselves. But that’s the thing about liquor. It can destroy our ability to be there for ourselves like we need. The poison can overrule our true selves and send us into a euphoric yet dishonest part of being. And that’s where this all begins, and my mind begins to wonder.

WHY do we feel so lonely? WHY do we seek these temporary reliefs and HOW can we fix this ongoing and common issue that we all seem to struggle with, yet no one speaks upon it or admits to it? Of course, not everyone drinks and has sex to fulfill this desire to bond, and there are times when drinking can be a good night that does not turn into a night of coping with reality, but these times seem slim to none compared to the countless times I have drank to cope and I have seen mostly everyone around me do the same. And if you aren’t using drinking to cope, the likelihood of us using another crutch, like the ones I previously mentioned, are pretty high. Drinking to cope usually leads to attraction to cope, to feel seen, wanted, or important. The desire to be seen is heightened when we are drinking. I have countlessly started off a seductive and low-key night with a cocktail or two and it has led to me being out for hours, receiving validation and attention from people who could actually care less about me, they just want to be seen too. To feed off a soul hungry for the night. So even if you aren’t drinking to cope to start the night, ask yourself – WHAT is the point of this night? Is it to be flirted with? Is it to meet someone you can go home with? Is it to receive some sort of validation that you cannot give yourself? Is it to post a hot pic? If your answer is honestly nothing to do with a desire to be seen, wanted, or accepted – that’s great. We need more people like you in this world. More people who feel seen, heard, and valued inside themselves. More people who had a childhood filled with little to no severe neglect, abuse, or trauma. We wonder why so many people use these ways to cope and use other people to cope, well let’s look at our childhoods. 

My desire to bond, to be accepted, needed, and loved stems from an incredibly dark childhood. I cannot even remember any of my childhood before the age of 12, a very common effect of trauma. From a very young age I got the message that I was unsafe and deserved to live a chaotic life. My father, dangerously unreliable, always promising things he could not deliver than manipulating the situation and topping it off with his narcissistic victim mentality, combined with my mother who suffered years and years of alcoholism at a young age due to her family trauma and an overall distrust for the world and for people around her, caused me to be comfortable in a very unreliable and unsafe home. Children have primary needs and wants that must be met. If these needs are not met by the main caregiver, the child gets the message that they are unsafe, and they will begin to cope and survive in whatever way they can. For me, I coped with lashing out. I survived this chaotic childhood by making everything bigger than it needed to be. By crying, fighting back, yelling, or screaming as a child and by over drinking and over destructing as a young adult. I didn’t care if it took me screaming to be noticed as a child, as long as I was noticed at all – which I very rarely was. As I grew up this survival mechanism stayed with me but just translated into heavier and more “adult” ways of coping/trying to be seen and understood. There have been many times when I’m drunk and off drugs where I just want to yell, “Will anyone understand me? Will anyone hold me? Fuck me?” These have been times where I am that child. Destroying and sabotaging everything around me because that’s how I survived as her. That’s how I was finally seen by my caregivers. I remember being a child and crying so loud in my room just in hopes that one of my parents would come check on me. 

Now, as an adult I see that these ways are fucking useless and will not help me survive. They no longer serve who I am today – someone who is caring, compassionate, and fearless. However, there are still many nights where I do result back to this inner child and I reach for that temporary relief rather than soothing myself. Alcohol and sex only soothe you for so long. The real way to soothe ourselves is to tune into these feelings – into these deep desires to be understood and not alone. But this is not the easier option. I understand why so many people turn to the crutches for help. I understand how I spent dark nights out drinking, being seen, being fucked, only to wake up feeling emptier and alone but somehow doing it again the next night. I understand how we as a society believe that coping with these feelings looks different than it actually is. Because the truth is, the crutches we turn to do feel fucking good, and they do make you feel important. But the importance never lasts, and as we are all fighting to be seen over the person beside us or to be the desired one among a crowd, we must ask ourselves what need from our childhood we are trying to capture so desperately and obviously. And if you are lucky enough to face this need and wound without depending on alcohol, a depressant… then you are blessed and well on your way to a healing path where you are heard and seen by no one more important than yourself.

I loved his Dick, Not him

Days become weeks and weeks become months, and before you know it, you’re lying in bed with someone who you can’t truly stand in life but desperately crave beside you. The feeling of warmth and safety only comes when they are exposed, raw to your heart. The passion and connection are so alive and intense that you think it must be the same in every way, but to your disappointment, the fire is not there emotionally. You try desperately to find that feeling in other places within the relationship, but it never satisfies. Because the real stuff, the things that truly make you love someone are simply not there. But you are too blinded by the wound you are trying to fill to see clearly and the lust confuses your mind, hopelessly allowing you to fall back into their body each time.

It started off so intensely. The love bombing and constant admiration – I felt so valued and loved. Something I never felt as a child and could not yet give myself. His gentle touch in the bedroom and soft wet kisses left me feeling weightless. After sex the damage would follow. His sweet gentle touch and deep loving dick would turn into harsh name calling and devaluation, calling me a slut or a crazy person. The cycle of verbal abuse typically came after I felt good, after I had the power. Did he feel vulnerable during our sex too? Or was he just allowing the moment to feel vulnerable and intimate to get me ready for another verbal attack? To open me up softly, only to cut me? I will never have all the answers, but I do know for certain, never again will I fall into the deep and dangerous world of lust and obsession.

Obsession isn’t crazy or unusual, and it’s easy for us to become obsessed with someone when we don’t see ourselves first. I confused my obsession for love and my codependent heart latched onto the idea of someone loving me. People who have experienced severe neglect or abuse tend to hold on so tight, gripping onto an attachment wound, until they can’t breathe anymore or get trapped in the lust. Cycles of love bombing only to feel neglected was nothing new to me. My father did this enough to me as a child and I’ve constantly repeated the pattern in my relationships. Expect this is different. There is more bleeding when your gentle heart and naked body are involved.

Be careful of those who leave you feeling so seen and safe during sex. Pay attention to their character outside of the bedroom and how they treat others who they aren’t fucking. If I had looked closely and removed my desire to feel safe and heard by a man, I would have seen that it wasn’t his love for who I am and what I have been through that made our sex so alive, it was his desire to control me and get me vulnerable in the easiest way possible. The most deceitful yet natural and known way of captivating a young woman.

His wounds were so large on his heart I could taste them when I went to kiss his neck as he fucked me. I could almost bite into them and feel the fleshy and delicate opening that was trying so hopelessly to close up with me. They fed off mine, over and over. My abandonment scars and childhood filled of chaos, along with my mother passing and narcissistic father walking out on me as a little girl, led me to believe that if someone could make love to me and take care of me, if they could truly hear me and look at me with those eyes – then they must really love me. But he never loved me, he just loved the cycle we put each other through. The highs and lows that come from such a powerful and lustful connection between two lost bodies. He loved how I could get down on my knees and fall over and over for his charming and seductive ways. He also loved my pussy.

Be careful of how fast things move between you and a soul. I felt like I plunged deep into the ocean within a week of meeting him and couldn’t see the sun any longer. There was no building or growing, it was just a straight dive into the water. I knew the moment we met that I wanted to be close to him, to bite into his lips and cum with him. The way he looked at me within those first few weeks, like I was a goddess sent from the garden of Eve there to rescue him. Attraction is necessary in a relationship, but it doesn’t need to be every time, all the time, or right away. This is another sign of obsession, of a wound from our childhood. If things are moving too fast, too soon, it’s most likely our inner child trying to speak – the child within us that does not understand patience and delayed gratification.

I’ve been told women are a safe place for traumatized men. I believe we are all a safe place for those who don’t have one inside themselves already. He took me to nice dinners, complimented me, agreed with me, listened to me, showed interest, kissed me softly. Everything was a fairytale in the start, and I became weak. I became that little girl again and I let my mind fold into his. As soon as I let this guard down and fell into it, our sex became more of a reason to fight and the reason we kept going back to each other. It was the only time we both truly felt safe and seen after everything got bad. It was the only time our inner child heard each other. Watch out for how he handles a problem in his life. Look for what he turns to soothe himself when he doesn’t get his way or feels misheard by you and others. It’s typically sex, alcohol, drugs, money or girls that these souls feed off to temporarily fix their pain.

I’m still licking my open cuts left from the overwhelmingly lustful and broken times together. I loved how he made me feel in those moments. How the intimate and sexual moments made me feel alive and wanted. I’ve always loved the thrill and seductive side of life, but this isn’t real or long lasting. A partner is someone who supports you, who doesn’t fuck you then end up calling you a whore afterwards, someone who shares the same values and life goals, pushes you to be better, and who doesn’t put their wounds onto yours. My dark side was not accepted or pushed, but my body and affection was. To have someone who can do the same for themselves. That is the key to true love – finding someone who already loves themselves.

Don’t get consistent dick and confuse it with real connection. It will happen, because we are horny creatures longing to be loved and kissed in order to be seen or desired, but this will never last. We must fall in love with the soul. The demon inside that only shows after we have been naked within ourselves. If he can’t love his own devil, or if you can’t love yours, the sex will be fire until it burns out and you are left with a crumbling body that is terrified of showing the true self.

Sex is a confusing and incredibly delicate activity that we perform. Lust is real and many of us do not understand it, until we are out of it, damaged and battling our inner selves. I am here to tell you that it is real, and it can save you many years of disappointment and confusion if you can distinguish between lust and love, between your pain and true needs, between using someone to soothe those needs and soothing yourself. Do you love his character within the first months, or do you love the attention? Is his affection and availability to you love, or is it just making you feel safe? Is feeling safe the same as love? I know how good it feels to be fucked well, and I know how it can make you feel so important and safe with that person, but you probably aren’t yet. It simply doesn’t happen that fast and safety must be found within ourselves first.

Pay close attention to the words he uses to describe the world around him. Many narcissistic and manipulative relationships start off with an intense sexual bond. This is typically how the abuser gets you vulnerable enough to later destroy you.

Share yourself with them over time, be patient, then you get to decide if you love them. Love is a choice, and many people will give up or their demon will get the best of them before they can unconditionally love you. Share your goals, past, weird tricks and strange ideas, insecurities and failures. Share it all with them and with yourself. Because once you understand your patterns and how a relationship is just a reflection of our own needs and wounds, you can see how it’s easy to keep repeating a familiar cycle of what you’ve been conditioned to believe is love, and how this view of love can be horribly distorted and painful if we do not face the devious and dangerous wound that is keeping us from finding a true connection, not just another dick or lustful bond that reinforces the powerless little girl I once was.

Healing from Abuse of Power

When we hear domestic abuse we often think of physical abuse, in fact, I had no idea that emotional, physiological, and mental abuse fell under the term. But the term domestic abuse literally means an abuse of power. A more proper definition is, “It is the domination, coercion, intimidation and victimisation of one person by another by physical, sexual or emotional means within intimate relationships.”

This article is a bit more personal, because I have put myself into abusive relationships where I have lost all sense of self-worth, values, and confidence. Between the manipulation, gaslighting, and controlling behavior (such as shaming me for posting my body on the gram), I got blinded and I felt trapped. But hey, at least now I know all about abusive behavior. Woo!

A power and control relationship includes using intimidation, using emotional abuse (puts downs, making you feel guilty, making you feel bad about yourself), using isolation (controlling what you do, what you see, using jealously to justify actions), minimizing/denying and blaming (making light of the abuse, saying it didn’t happen, putting blame onto victim), using children to make you feel guilty, using male privilege, using economic abuse, and using coercion and threats.

The cycle of abuse comes in 4 stages. It begins with tensions building (the victim becomes fearful and feels the need to please the abuser), incident occurs (anger, blaming, threats, intimidation), reconciliation (abuser apologizes, gives excuses, & blames victim), and ends with the honeymoon phase (calmness, victim is hopeful things will change) and a big fat dose of denial takes place.

This may all sound obvious, like duh this is abusive and controlling. But when you’re actually in the cycle, the guilt and blame works as a tool to make you stay. The more shame, blame, and fear I felt the more I believed I deserved it. I abandoned my own needs, (a common outcome of dealing with abuse), and I wanted to fix my partner so badly, make them see that I wasn’t the only problem. Help them see that this insecure and controlling behavior was always an issue, it wasn’t just me who brought it on. Many empaths (people who are the healers, the nurturers, the highly sensitive lovers that give, and give, and give, often to the point of exhaustion), are great victims for abusers. I wanted to heal, help, and mend their trauma and pains. In some way, I thought if I could help them it would help me.

This article isn’t going to go more into abusive patterns, how to walk away from an abuser, or what signs to look out for. This is going to be about the work. The difficult tuning in process that allows us to somewhat heal. This is for the people who attract this behavior into their life and don’t know why. It’s very common for the victim to want to understand the abuser, replay the situations, or keep blaming themselves. But my therapist said something that inspired this article and myself, “Focus on what you need to to heal. What attracted you to that type of person rather than focusing on them.” And boom. My healing journey truly began.

In order to heal from abuse, it takes a lot of strength and honesty within yourself. Walking away from them is a great start but if you don’t face those demons the same person will show up again.

I’ve always had my shit. My self destructive patterns, self-sabotaging my life constantly, wanting to fix others, and little self value. I know I’m a bad bitch, so when I say low self value I don’t mean in my appearance or talents, I mean mentally not so confident. Growing up, my mother would bring me down with verbal phrases and when she became very sick I completely lost myself and my needs. Not to mention I also lost my virginity at 13 to a complete scumbag.

I’ve always known that my past has gotten me into toxic places, and that I need to work on that part of me. But unfortunately life get’s busy, I get distracted, and I don’t truly take the time. And this is a problem for many people. We seem to believe that life is on a race track and the universe is in a rush. Our pains and experiences that shape us are left in the dark for something else. Something exciting or light. In a city like New York, I especially felt this. The pressure to keep grinding, moving, and ultimately not healing within.

Taking the time to truly understand and work through your own shit is the best way to rise above controlling and abusive behavior. I believe as a society we struggle with putting aside time to actually heal. It’s one thing to do self-care and another to dig through your childhood trauma or your verbally abusive dad. In the US especially, we struggle with reaching out for help, taking time away from work, and being completely open and vulnerable with ourselves. I say this because our value system is based upon money, success, and individualism. We are not a collective society and this can become isolating, making it difficult to ask for help or realize you need help.

Needing help to battle and work through your pain is completely okay. We all have something fucked up inside us, some people are just better at ignoring, distracting, or sedating it. I wouldn’t be able to process everything if it weren’t for my therapist and support system I’ve built. We shouldn’t have to fight these feelings alone, a belief that we have seemed to build in society and especially within healing.

Healing is a collective activity. Having people who can help you, listen to you, and heal with you is crucial. It sounds simple, building a support group, but it’s more difficult than we think because in order to build a group that can help you – they also must be willing to help themselves. Which many people are not. Many people are okay with living in a world full of distractions from the pain they feel.

So take the time to slow down, it’s okay to not be where you want yet. Like I mentioned, the world is in no rush. Build a support system with others who can be there for you and try to heal yourself. You won’t heal over night and you may not ever heal 100%. But that’s okay, and there’s no pressure on how long it takes.

This process is really hard, and if you’re in an abusive relationship and someone tells you to just “walk away” I give you permission to curse them out. People who are not in the cycle or never have been love to tell those who are to just walk away.

Instead of giving this classic line, help them figure out how they got there. Ask them how they feel about their self-worth, if they have a history of abuse, how it feels when the abuse happens, and how you can best help. Asking these types of questions and trying to understand their struggle is a hell lot better than “just get out.”

This convo will be hard, and it may bring up some of your own issues, but that’s the beauty of healing together and asking for help. You never know who else feels the same or can relate to your struggle. ❤


I’ve always been the one to prioritize my needs (some may say I’m selfish or a bitch) but it just adds to my research, so thank you. The power a simple “no” has is incredible. While I understand how a rude tone of voice, a nasty word, or a manipulative statement can come across as selfish – voicing your boundaries and what you’re comfy with is not. It’s called showing up for yourself, taking care of your needs, and protecting your valuable energy.

Getting a text from someone that says , “Hey I don’t f*king like you at all let’s stop hanging” is a lot different than a text that sets healthy boundaries such as – “Hey, I am emotionally not ready to be serious with anyone. I hope you understand and wish you the best.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but that second reply doesn’t sound bitchy or inconsiderate to me. In fact, it sounds like the person is taking responsibility for their feelings and being up-front. What a concept!

I would rather have someone tell me they are not emotionally stable v.s. 12 months down the road, I’m imagining our kids together, and I get a good old “I can’t do this anymore” text and I’m blocked. It happens.

I am the most sensitive person in the world. Seriously, I am like a soft mushy sponge. But even I wouldn’t get mad at a thoughtful, open, and honest message from someone. There is a difference between being straight up rude vs communicating a need. Being a people pleaser is in our nature, but trust me, it can hurt you over time. Learning how to say no and standing your ground in your values, needs, and wants is life changing. Of course, saying yes is easier, more comfortable, and socially acceptable. Saying no is at times – difficult, can cause you to feel guilty, fearful, or uncomfortable. These are all normal feelings that occur when saying no, AKA setting boundaries.

It’s important to realize that setting boundaries are there to protect your well-being. Setting them can disappoint others, temporarily upset them, or cause them to make you feel like a toxic grudge holding human. Setting boundaries means you have the courage to put your needs first and love yourself. And if the person truly doesn’t understand where you are coming from, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.

Tip #1 Do You Even Have a Cat? 

Boundaries come in all different shapes and forms. A boundary can be asking for alone time, asking for personal space, or simply leaving a party early because you want to. A common mistake I see in boundaries is coming up with excuses. Saying “Oh I forgot I have a project due, and a book to read, and a cat to feed, and blah blah blah” is not setting a boundary – it’s called being dishonest. Do not make excuses for emotional, physical, or mental needs! Be honest and kind, simply decline the dinner offer and say you don’t feel well enough to go.

Tip #2 Shut Up

Don’t over explain! We tend to think that more is better and in some cases this is true. But when it comes to expressing a need, less is okay. If you truly want to give a lot of detail and explain the deep depths of your mental state to someone go ahead, but a simple “Hey I’m not mentally feeling okay I will reply to this later” is okay. Normalize not replying to someone until you are ready. Waiting until you are ready to be there for someone is so important because we can be our best support systems after we show up for ourselves. If you have a hard time showing up for yourself, I recommend starting the day with a mindful practice – such as yoga, meditation, reading, or journaling.

Tip #3 Self- Care is Not Glamorous

If I see one more face mask with a caption “self care” I might actually go insane. Do face masks help you grow or do they just feel good ? Or do they just look like you are taking care of yourself ? I’m sorry, (I love a good face mask don’t come at me) but self-care is not just bubble baths, face masks, and pedicures. While these are all great to do, and treating yourself is a must, self-care is not always nice. Self-care can look like – making difficult decisions, taking responsibility for your actions, spending time in your discomfort and pain, and confronting what you’re avoiding. So next time you need a night off for “self-care” don’t be afraid to call it an emotional break or mental overload.

Tip #4 Boundaries are Not Just for Boos 

You can also set boundaries with friends or anyone else in your life! Hearing a boundary from a friend, colleague, or family member can be just as difficult and uncomfortable. But it is necessary and okay to do. A boss may email you, “No I cannot meet Monday. What about Tuesday?” This does not mean they are not interested in you for the job, it just means they are human and have a life. Don’t get discouraged!

Boundaries set with friends can sound like “I am struggling with my own mental health right now, I can’t fully be there for you at the moment but I care for you” or “I only have 10 minutes to grab a coffee” or “I can’t talk right now, I’m headed to work.” These are all honest, open, and healthy statements to say. Your friends should understand you have needs too and allow you to communicate them.

I know this is all a lot, and this can sound intimidating and difficult to achieve. But I promise once you start becoming aware of boundaries and even just including this type of language in your life, you will see a difference. Setting boundaries allows us to show up for ourselves and become more compassionate, understanding, and patient partners.

If someone invalidates your boundary, I recommend removing them from your close circle. If they are new to boundary talk, talk to them and try to educate them on healthy boundary conversations. We all have needs, wants, limits, and values. It is okay to express them.

If you are unfamiliar with what is a boundary for you, I recommend writing in a journal or even your phone notes. Write down what bothers you, what you value, what you emotionally need, etc. Boundaries do not mean you don’t care for the other person – they mean you love them and yourself at the same time.



Manifestation, aka the law of attraction, sounds silly and like a stupid scientific theory, but it actually works. If you focus on something you want, create positive energy around it, and truly believe in it, it will come to you. I know this all sounds very unrealistic, and sort of like a hoax. But according to the experts, manifesting your love life can get you that hot dreamy partner your lusting over.


The concept sounds simple; create a hot 6’2 boy in your head, think about that person 24/7, and know that you want him. Ha, the difference is, manifestation can only occur when you take a step back and truly reflect. You can’t just wish for a sexy boy who has a relationship with their mother, a house in the Hamptons, and knows how to handle his emotions. You have to truly believe that’s what you’re worthy of. And the only way to know what you deserve is to do a lot (and I mean a lotttttt) of reflecting, bubble baths, writing, and getting drunk alone. Two glasses of wine and you’ll be less hard on yourself. Here are my steps on how to manifest your love life. Begin at step one!

1st Step: Know Yourself

As I mentioned prior, take time to really get to know yourself. We often think that running to the grocery store, lying in bed watching Gossip Girl, or making a microwaveable dinner is considered “alone time.” True alone time is not this. It’s a cliché, but when you love yourself and know your needs, wants, and desires, you can easily manifest. I recommend spending 15-30 minutes each day alone getting to know your deepest, and sometimes scariest, self. Write in a journal, meditate, stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself questions about how you feel. You can ask yourself some hard questions like; What do you struggle with? Physically and emotionally? How do you want to be treated? What behaviors in a partner will you not tolerate? You have to become comfortable with being alone in your mind and body, before truly manifesting a healthy and positive relationship.

2nd Step: Be The Person You Want

I’ve had so many people tell me they want a wholesome, kind, loving, responsible partner; yet, they go out every night, don’t know their bodies, never have alone time, and have a hard time accepting themselves. How do you expect to receive a partner that is loving and positive when you aren’t any of that ?! Seriously, if you are looking for a night-in cooking, ambitious, hardworking partner but you are staying out till 2 am and not progressing yourself, why would someone who is ambitious come to you? I know, it’s harsh. But someone’s got to say it.

Become the person you want to attract. Of course your partner will have differences, but when it comes to values, needs, and wants, try to be on the same playing field.


3rd Step: Be Around the People You Want to Attract

Another thing I always hear, “Why can’t I find a boyfriend who has his sh*t together and makes time for me?” Well, sis, you’re trying to find a sustainable partner at the club or the super annoyingly trendy bar on a Friday night… it’s probs not the best setting for your search. If you want a partner who is fun, flirty, adventurous, and always around people go ahead! Flirt away! But, if you want to low-key settle down and nourish a relationship, the people at these kinds of places are most likely in their 20’s and just want to have a good time.

Of course, then comes the question “Well then where do I meet someone?!” I recommend normalizing coffee shops, parks, a local restaurant, similar interest events, or mutual friends. If you see a cutie at the coffee shop, make a move. There are only so many men who read an actual book at a coffee shop on a Saturday morning left in this world, for crying out loud.

4th Step: Be Around the Friends you Want Your Partner to be Like

After you have exhausted your journal, and you are now feeling a little self-conscious, take it even further by re-evaluating your friends! Ask yourself what qualities they have and how that reflects on who you are. The people we surround ourselves with are a direct reflection of what we value. If we are surrounded by people who are creative, open, loving, and kind, the likelihood of you absorbing those qualities are higher. Just like when we are around negative people we feel it, we feel positive people too. Obviously don’t ditch your friend who might be going through something and is not so optimistic – but do think about what energies you are constantly around.

It’s all about the energies. If you don’t believe in energy but you are the person to always ask “What’s your sign?!” I think you should give the idea of energy a try.


5th Step: Know Your Boundaries

I briefly mentioned this in the 1st step, but it deserves its own step completely. Becoming aware of what you do not want is just as important as becoming aware of what you do. This takes a lot of hard reflection as well, and I recommend dedicating a section in your journal for this. If you are consistently giving your time and energy to an unavailable, untrustworthy, or unforgiving, partner you are tolerating a negative energy. You are not showing up for yourself and setting a boundary for how you want to be treated. This is where many people lose their manifestation.

Setting a boundary, aka knowing exactly what you tolerate, is crucial. It makes it easier for us to walk away from a negative partner when we are confident in our boundaries. The clearer you are on what pisses you off, what you can sort of manage, and what simply crosses a line, the faster you can manifest. When we know what we do not want, we do not waste energy on anything that does meet those needs.

Last but not least, be easy on yourself and have patience. I know this was somewhat pessimistic, and we do need bad relationships so we can appreciate the good. But when it comes to manifesting, I have seen too many people I care about, myself included, stay in a negative energy. And it only results in reoccurring negative relationships.

Manifesting is simply tuning in, truly reflecting, and becoming more aware of who you are and what you deserve. For someone who has been treated poorly in the past, I know how hard this simple message can be. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and pain from the past, but try to open up again and trust yourself in the process.



I’ve had my fair share of people avoiding therapy when they need it. And I don’t just mean just men, I mean anyone avoiding it. Mental health is incredibly stigmatized for everyone. You are either crazy, weird, lame, insane, etc if you are mentally unstable.

Men’s mental health stats in particular are alarming. Men commit suicide 3 times the rate of women, they account for almost 70% of suicides, and it’s the biggest killer for men under 45. Suicide is obviously a problem for men, but why? Why do men turn to drugs and abuse alcohol more than females? A factor that can result in more overdoses/suicides.

We tend to ignore the very real issues that men face in our country. We tell them to be strong, focus on making $$, and to be stoic. But this message leaves no room for men to make mistakes, seek help, and feel their negative emotions in a comforting space. Tens of thousands of men are dying a year, and although suicide is majorly complex, we can’t ignore a major factor: society’s mental health stigma.

Men are overwhelmingly and disproportionately represented in suicide stats. Although everyone suffers from mental health “bashing” men, or anyone in that matter, does not help. When we raise our boys to “toughen up” and that value can be found in not such fulfilling things, (such as cars, $$, their looks, women, sex, drugs) they grow up to struggle with their mental health. As a result, mental health conditions are under-reported and under-detected in men, leaving them vulnerable to suicide.

We need to desperately reframe help-seeking. Men may avoid asking for help because they fear it makes them weak or a failure. Finding ways to change this horrible perspective is crucial in reducing male suicide rates. We need to raise men differently, and continue to offer a supportive, tender, and heartwarming environment.

Boys need to be taught how to care and love not only themselves, but other men as well. Men need phrases like “Hug it Out” not “Toughen up.” Intimate emotions are often only for a romantic relationship, this also needs to change. Men should be told that having a close relationship with other man is not gay, weird, or pussy. It means you are strong enough to build a connection with another human and it’s how we feel fulfilled. We feel fulfillment in our connections.

Through these strong connections, we build our support systems. Many men feel as though they have no one to turn to when emotionally down, or don’t know where to turn. This is a problem because it means they are not building a solid support foundation. It also means we aren’t giving them the right tools and guidance when it comes to seeking support.

I recommend holding stronger convos around emotions and being someone who can listen with an open heart. Men need to become more comfortable with talking to their friends and family about how they feel. And while the individual needs to do work on this, we also have a responsibility as outsiders to help this growth. We need to facilitate accessible resources for men and frame this convo differently.

There is nothing wrong with seeking/asking for help when it comes to your mental wellness. Mental wellness is directly related to overall health, and sexual well being. If you know of anyone struggling with their mental health, be a voice for them. Don’t add to the stigma and isolation that many people with mental health issues face.

Encourage therapy, (therapy is not just for those with a sickness, it is used by many people struggling with their emotions, a relationship, their image, etc) and share therapy positive information. If we normalize therapy and seeking for help, I hope that we as a society can become happier and healthier.

While normalizing therapy is a major component and the stigma around therapy is part of why men ignore their feelings, we need to take it a step further. Look at how our society treats those who are emotionally struggling, what were they taught when they were younger?

Because teaching boys to not be affectionate, intimate, emotional, or any other qualities that can show “weakness” is not the way to creating stronger men. It just leaves us with unhappy, unfulfilled, and emotionally suppressed men who make like 90K a year. Congrats.


We all watch porn, if you say you don’t, quit playing. I watch porn when I’m single, dating, or whenever the hell I want because it’s my pleasure! You can still have a healthy and sex filled relationship while enjoying the luxury of porn.

A lot of people out here think porn is for freaks, perverts, or people not getting laid. The people who think this are probably sexually repressed and don’t own their pleasure, so they will make others feel bad for owning it. Ignore these people. And if you are one of them reading this, try to open your mind and realize I don’t give a f**k!

Yes, some people who watch porn ARE freaks, but this whole “Ew porn is so nasty and wrong I don’t watch that” is a little dated. We are young, mindful, & open individuals. It’s time we get over this shame of enjoying porn. We have many misconceptions around sex and pleasure, and this is one of them. You deserve pleasure. You deserve to watch that sexy video with your vibrator. Embrace your body. Embrace the tingly feeling in your clit from climaxing.

Embracing your body takes time and we must be gentle when doing so. Watching free porn, such as videos from PornHub or other similar sites, do not help us embrace our bodies. These porn sites are filled with sexist and racist videos that play on our insecurities and stereotypes. The mainstream porn is highly unrealistic, I mean seriously – what woman can cum within 5 seconds all sexy just from dick? God bless you ladies who can. These sites also show a slim variety of body shapes, labia shapes, boob sizes, color of labia, and basically any other asset on a female. It’s hard to find a video that is realistic and speaks to our pleasure.

These videos are also produced and directed by losers. They are typically older white men who have no idea what a female truly wants and they focus mostly on male pleasure. What a surprise! Not only do they show an unrealistic portrayal of female pleasure, but they also don’t treat/ pay the porn performers fairly. These performers are sex workers, they deserve to be paid and treated with respect and decency. Free porn generally does not give these performers any % of the money made from the site…

On top of all of this, many sex performers are trafficked into working for the big porn industries. So when you click on that free porn link, you’re not doing the industry much good. Free porn can also lead to addictions. When something is free and easily accessible, it’s easier to over consume and slightly abuse.

My solution for all of this? Paying for porn and learning more about ethical porn use.

Paying for porn means you are actively working against the exploitation, violence, and unfair conditions for these performers. It does NOT mean you are some porn addicted freak. Ethical porn sites make you pay because they are actually paying their workers and creating content that is more realistic and of higher quality. Paid porn sites aren’t here to play. And that’s how it should be.

There are also benefits of paying for porn. You can customize your content, and sometimes even request a certain type of video. Since you are paying for the service it’s more likely that the creator is passionate about their work. Most free porn site creators don’t care for creating meaningful content. Paid creators make more unique, helpful, and pleasure focused content. Not to mention, a lot of these ethical porn sites are women led. So hopefully, female pleasure is more of a focus.

Like I mentioned prior, mainstream porn does not show sex in a healthy, realistic, and consensual way. Ethical porn is here to challenge that. The performers are given an environment free of violence and abuse. So many performers on mainstream porn sites are abused and violated of their rights.

If you are new to this convo don’t worry. And if you can’t afford to pay for porn, I suggest not indulging in it at all. Porn is a luxury. If you don’t see the problem with clicking on free porn sites over and over, you must have not read this through.

Here are some ethical porn sites to start exploring! From these sites you can see that not all porn is gender restricted and sexually corrupt. These sites show more than just a scene of dominant cis- men and submissive cis-women. – For a monthly fee, you can access inclusive content made by all experienced sex workers! There are multiple memberships available, from 27$ a month to 5 day’s for 20$. The videos are hot. All body shapes are shown, colors of skin, fantasies, BDSM scenes, pussy licking, whatever you imagine! You will def see a difference in this site vs PornHub. – This cute site. Ugh. Independent erotic and adult films. This is like the artsy site for porn lovers. You can rent or buy films, or become a monthly member. The directors/ performers on this site are fabulous. You’ll want to stay in every night and pick a new film to watch, they are that good. – This site offers feminist porn for women and men. The content is fun, flirty, and focuses on your pleasure. What a concept! You can feel the realness in these videos. And that’s a turn on. – One of my favs. It’s easy to scroll through and the quality of these videos is insane. It’s like high def x 10. I can see every pubic hair. It’s amazing. It’s also really affordable! There’s a wide variety of videos from kinks, couple play, solo play, etc.

Oactually – “Celebrating women’s pleasure” is their claim. Uhhhh hell yeah! I swear, if you start looking at these sites that actually produce good content you’re gonna be like why didn’t I watch porn sooner? Stay away from Erika Lust’s section on there tho. – Just what it sounds like! This site offers a lot of self play videos. So, masturbating solo with toys. If you like watching sexy women get off, this is the site!

These are just a few of the ethical porn sites out there. This industry is growing and I’m excited to see the switch. Porn can be a pleasure filled activity and it can make us feel empowered. I don’t blame you for feeling grossed out by mainstream porn. It is gross….

Check out these sites and just see the difference yourself! There is no shame in enjoying porn. Embrace this sexual activity and if someone makes you feel uncomfy about consuming porn, tell em to go play with themselves or something.





Every single person deserves to live a life full of pleasure and joy. Regardless of the color of your skin, your sexual health and overall wellness should be celebrated and supported, always. It’s important to remember self care as we fight and that pleasure and joy are also forms of resistance. We are all worthy of support, compassion, empathy, and self-love. Educating yourself on how to take action is not only super sexy, but necessary. There is no shame in educating yourself on racial injustice and changing your mind when learning, even if it makes you uncomfortable. This uncomfortable feeling is how we grow. 

I have been following, donating, and reading up on all the amazing black sex educators, programs, organizations, therapists, and sexologists out there. Another way we can show support is by purchasing products that are black-owned. I have made a list of some wonderful black-owned pleasure products that I will just keep growing… So, here are a few brands to support now and always! 

The Honey Pot Company (All natural feminine care)

This brand is actually everything. The founder, Bea Dixon, is truly an inspiration. Dixon has created a brand that is empowering and makes you feel warm inside. No chemicals, toxins, or any artificial fragrances in any products and it’s all plant-based made by boss ass women. How can it get better?! The brand offers organic tampons, pads, menstrual cups, maternity sanitary pads, feminine washes, panty sprays, wipes, and washes. I mean seriously, the products are incredible and I can’t wait to see the growth of this brand. Screw Tampax, I’m with The Honey Pot Company tampons! 


Ardently (Toy Heaven)

A sexual wellness company that focuses on body-safe toys, (non-porous or harmful materials that carry toxins) and normalizing the conversation around pleasure. What a beauty! The brand was founded by Tatiyanna Shirley and is quickly becoming my new fav for toys. The brand offers a wide range of anal toys, cock rings, dildos (I need the Pink Pleasures 8 inches Silicone Dildo ASAP), harnesses, jock straps, vibrators, kink toys, prostate toys, and strokers. I definitely recommend checking out this unique and honest brand. 

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Feelmore Adult (The Sex Shop)

Ummmm excuse me, a black-queer owned sex shop?! Say less. The shop originated in Oakland, California and has quickly become an online destination for toys and building a sense of community. The founder, Nenna Joiner, is probably my new fav person, just watch the IGTV videos and you’ll see why (also peep the shirt, love it.) Joiner has built a safe space for anyone to come feel welcomed and supported. It’s hard not to love what Joiner has created. The brand offers vibrators, dildos, kink toys, lube, anal toys, and more. 


Nene’s FemHealth (Wellness Shop)

This beautiful online shop is another great feminine care brand. The products are gorgeous and the brand specializes in Lotus Eggs… Lotus Eggs can be used for kegel exercises! If you are unfamiliar with Lotus Eggs or want to know more about them, this brand offers great info for beginners. The brand also offers washes, PH balances, sanitary pads, lube, gels, and many other hidden gems. Founded by the herbalist, Nerissa Nefeteri, this brand is perfect if you’re into herbal supplements and all natural products! 

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Bedroom Kandi (Vibrator & Toy Jackpot) 

This lovely brand has won awards for the intimate toy line, (made of all body-safe materials) and offers some hot toys. Kandi Burruss, the founder, is a singer, songwriter, and actress. She has created a very open and strong brand. The brand offers a wide variety of vibrators, lubes, kink toys, and more. The toys are sexy and I have no doubt that you’ll be cumming in no time! If you need a new fun toy, this brand is definitely worth checking out. 


Anya Lust (Luxury Lingerie)

Ughhhh, I found this brand a while ago and it’s still so dreamy. It’s based in NYC and will definitely make you feel sexy and confident. Filled with lacy bras, sheer undies, gorgeous trims, and beautiful materials, this brand is hot hot hot. The boutique offers lingerie, robes, nightwear, candles, and wellness products. Founded by Krystle Kotara, I highly encourage you to treat yourself… or impulsively buy something! We all know you want to! 


These are just a few of the black-owned pleasure brands out there…there are tons of brands to support and I look forward to sharing more. I truly believe in everyone having the same encouragement and support when it comes to their bodies and overall wellness. I take pride in educating anyone on how to feel confident in their sexuality and skin, while creating a safe space. Now is the time to put your money where your mouth is and support black-owned brands, artists, educators, photographers, designers, and creatives. As an educator, I am always looking for new voices to follow and learn from and I hope you all are doing the same! 

Happy exploring. xx


It’s called self love, treating yourself, accomplishing a goal, or in this case: boredom. I’ve become a little bit obsessed with toys and I don’t feel bad about it at all. I will feel bad when I get that credit card statement though. I’ve been waking up and anxiously running to the mailbox before my family sees, “Sweet Vibrations” or “Pleasure Product” on my packages. God knows where you are supposed to put the toys once they’ve made it safely into the house, but we are all figuring this out together.

For now, mine are hidden under my hoodies in the closet. If you are bored, and by bored I mean: need to get off, I feel you. So here is my current list of toys that keep me feeling sexy and are hot hot hot.

1. Oral Sex In A Toy 

I’ve actually had The Womanizer for a while now and it still gets me every damn time. There are tons of options from the classic, to the pro, premium, and duo. If you like the feeling of sucking, licking, kissing, etc this is THE toy. The air/suction stimulator creates a “sucking” feeling on your clit and you can control the vibration, speed, and intensity. Simply hover the suction above your clit for a little tease, tap it, or completely push down on your clit. All feel fabulous, just depends on your mood.Screen Shot 2020-05-06 at 8.13.19 PM

The womanizer comes in tons of different colors, speeds, and sizes. I have the Womanizer Premium which I actually bought from Babeland in NYC. Most toy brands carry a version of the womanizer so it’s really easy to find.

2. The Vibrating Dildo

Ugh, how can a dildo get any better?! This sleek, silicone, 6.5 beauty is not to be messed with. Vibrating toys are great because it increases chance of orgasm (twisting & turning inside the vagina) so it feel’s amazing.

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Bellesa has tons of hot toys, not to mention powerful ones. From their Pride dildo to the beautiful Rose Glass dildo (this toy looks like it belongs on display, screw the coffee table books, just use dildos), this super cute brand offers a variety of wonderful toys.

3. The Perfect Match

No, but seriously, that’s the name of the toy and it couldn’t be any more fitting. This version of a Rabbit, the iconic toy in Sex and the City, is hot, pretty, and powerful. This vibrator is special because it can do it all. The longer wand is inserted into the vagina where it vibrates, while the shorter wand is massaging and stimulating the clit.

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It basically pleasures the G-spot and the clit at the same time so duhhh it’s a perfect match! Sweet Vibrations is a lovely smaller toy brand with a lot of personality and great products. I also own the Girl’s Best Friend, another dreamy toy.

4. Cock Rings

Cock rings, aka penis rings, are technically a male sex toy but women can enjoy them too! A vibrating cock ring during coupled sex is fun, hot, and a turn on for both partners. It stimulates your clit while keeping an erection hard and lasting longer.

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This cutie is simple to use. It also low key looks like a diamond ring on a dick. It’s flexible (so can stretch to most penis sizes) waterproof, (hello shower sex) silicone, and gives strong vibrations. Lelo is an amazing brand that offers high quality products. If you want a cheaper option, check out Babland’s range of penis rings.

5. Booty Toys

Let’s face it, booty toys need way more acknowledgment. Butt plugs, or booty toys, are sexy and juicy! If you are new to butt stuff, I recommend starting with this little hottie.

Bead Sets, like this one from Nox Shop, allow you to slowly get to know this pleasure point. Make sure you use a lot of lube and have fun with it! Try to relax and watch some spicy porn or something to get you going. Booty play is exciting and empowering once you let it in! Literally!

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Well there you have it. My top 5 toys right now. This will just keep getting updated as time goes on and I look forward to sharing all the hottie toys that I discover. Happy playing!


I read a statistic that half of women feel like they didn’t get adequate education about birth control. This doesn’t surprise me. Sex education doesn’t give much info on methods, insurance coverage, the effectiveness, or the risks. There are tons of methods and it can be a process finding the right one. If we educate ourselves on the different types, we can make the best choice for our bodies.

Birth control is only effective against pregnancy and no method protects you from STIS/STDS. Many people get on birth control because they want to enjoy sex but not have a child. This is probably why they don’t encourage this convo in schools… sigh.

The most effective methods are the IUD, the implant, and the Depo-Provera (the shot). Other options are the birth control pills, the patch, the ring, the cervical cap, and the diaphragm. Your doctor, nurse, gyno, or other healthcare providers can talk with you about what option is best. I’ve tried 5 different birth control pills before I found one that I liked.

Any option may cause nausea, headaches, spotting, breast swelling, weight-gain, & other side effects. Luckily, if you experience a side effect it’s really easy to switch options! All birth control methods are only effective if used correctly and consistently.

Some methods are inexpensive while others are more pricey and timely. To figure out what you can afford talk to your insurance provider about what they can cover. You need a prescription for most methods. There are family/reproductive clinics that can offer low cost or free methods, such as Planned Parenthood.

The type you chose depends on your lifestyle! It depends on if you can remember to take a pill every day, don’t mind a shot every 3 months, possible side effects, how often you have sex, and if you want something inserted or not.

Benefits of birth control can be a more regular and lighter period, less cramping, less acne, and the ability to have sex with protection against pregnancy!! Woo hoo!

There are disadvantages to birth control. People say you shouldn’t stay on birth control for a long time but in order to understand how it will affect your health, talk to your doctor. Most people can safely use birth control for years if that’s what their doctor recommends. I personally think staying on any medication for long is not the best thing for your body, but every body is different.

I want to switch to an IUD because I don’t plan on having a child any time soon, (I’m a young career driven lady) and it seems so convenient. Although I’m good at remembering my pill, it seems easier to have a little thing inside of me!


A small T shaped piece of plastic that’s inserted into your uterus by your doctor. Some people get cramps or feel mild pain but it doesn’t last long. If you are comfy with going to your doctor and having a speculum inserted to open your vagina, this method is great.

The cool thing about an IUD is that it comes in hormonal and non hormonal. Both are highly effective and can last up to 7 years. You just have to regularly check up on it to make sure it’s in place. It’s very effective and a one time type of thing.


The birth control implant is a little plastic rod that is inserted under your skin! A doctor will place the rod into your arm, where it will release progestin, to stop you from becoming pregnant. It’s 99% effective, lasts long, & is convenient.

You may have a small ache where it was inserted at first, but it goes away quickly & you won’t notice it after that!

DEPO-PROVEA (the shot) –

This is another very effective method. The shot is injected every three 3 months & can be done at home or by your healthcare provider. It’s 94% effective, quick, & private (if at home).


Probs the most common method. There are two types of pills. Combination pills, (estrogen & progestin) & progestin only pills. Combo pills are most common since it’s more effective.

Taking your combo pill around the same time every day is very important. As long as you take the pill each day it’s highly effective. Most packs come in 28 or 21 days.

21 day pills – You take one pill everyday for 3 weeks, then none for a week. You get your period during this 4th week and don’t take any pills. After the week is over you start a new pack.

28 day pills – You take one pill everyday for 4 weeks then start the new pack on the 29th day. The last week of pills do not have hormones in them, they are just there as a reminder to keep taking your pill. Some people start a new pack on the 3rd week and skip their period. They just continue taking the hormone pills. Talk to your doctor about if this option is best. I think we are meant to bleed and shed, but some may pick this for health reasons!

Your birth control brand offers info on what to do if you miss a pill. Don’t worry, it happens. It takes 7 days before the pill is active and you are protected.


Does just what it sounds like! You wear a little square bandage/patch that releases hormones through your skin. You can wear it on your stomach, upper arm, booty, back, and your skin sucks up the hormones. You just have to remember to change it once a week!


NuvaRing is probably the most popular brand for birth control rings. You wear the ring inside your vagina, where the hormones are absorbed. The ring is used by yourself. With clean hands, squeeze the sides so it becomes narrow, then insert it into your vagina.

You leave it in for three weeks then take it out the 4th. You get your period during this week. It’s comfy and totally unnoticeable!


A cute little rubbery cup that is inserted deep into the vagina, so it covers the cervix. You place it inside up to 6 hours before sex and can be left in up to two days.

It basically prevents sperm from entering the uterus! For best protection, it should be used with a spermicide (a chemical that kills sperm). It’s similar to a diagram, but smaller.


A dome shaped rubbery cup that is inserted into the vagina hours before sex. It also must be used with a spermicide to block sperm.

The diaphragm and cervical cap are similar and can be great options if used correctly.

Pulling out and morning after pills are not effective methods. Birth control is a powerful tool and there is nothing wrong with going on it. It should be encouraged and there are people to help you decide which option is best.

If you are sexually active and not planning on raising a family soon, get on that birth control ladies!